on feeling overwhelmed

MY GOD! IT'S A LOT...

"Some Type of Skin," by AURORA

Hit me hard where I am soft
Should my heart reveal itself to be
More than a muscle
Or a fist covered in blood
However much it feels to bleed
It’s only temporary

We’re good people and we both deserve peace

My God! It’s a lot
(I build some type of skin
I’ve got to build some type of skin)
My God! It’s a lot
(I build some type of skin
I’ve got to build some type of skin)

I guess I should build some type of skin
And let breath be air
And love the things I know might disappear
And the last light of the sun
I let it slow me down
I’ll crawl where everybody runs

We’re good people
And we deserve peace
It’s difficult, it seems

My God! It’s a lot
(I build some type of skin
I’ve got to build some type of skin)
My God! It’s a lot
(I build some type of skin)
My God!
(I’ve got to build some type of skin)
My God! It’s a lot
(I build some type of skin
I’ve got to build some type of skin)
My God! It’s a lot
(I build some type of skin)
My God! My God!
(I’ve got to build some type of skin)

It’s a lot
It’s a lot
My God! It’s a lot
It’s a lot, a lot to me
To me

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Where do I even start? I think it’s safe to say the past few years have not been easy for most people. Speaking for myself, between the environment and Gaza and the political situation in my homeland, and the various and sundry emotional dramas I have on in my head at any given moment, I often feel caught between a desperate concern for the world and an abidingly self-centered state of worry about where my life is headed and what I’m going to do with myself.

On top of all that (I know, big deal), I’ve somehow roped myself into about twenty separate side-quests, ranging from the seemingly inane (“call Apple about Pages issue,” “donate/sell old books,” “buy more Wes Anderson movies,” “catch up on saved Substack articles”) to things I consider essential tasks (“reschedule doc’s appointment,” “catch up on emails,” fan fiction writing,” “make baking shopping lists w/ mom,” “stretch/work out,” “apply to more jobs,’ “read poetry books,” “buy new planner,” “create website for poetry”). The big question, of course, is which ones I will eventually get to, and which ones are doomed to languish in my “To do” list until I finally decide they aren’t worth it anymore. The fact that the list is growing longer, slowly but surely, isn’t helping those odds. I’ve put a little asterisk next to the things I’d like to accomplish sooner rather than later, but even those are beginning to blend together.

I’m not joking when I say I now have over 600 unread emails currently in my inbox, which doesn’t include the ones I have clicked on but, for one reason or another, didn’t bother to actually read. I estimate that over a hundred of these are unopened Substack newsletters I’m desperate to get to, but haven’t found the time, energy, mental capacity, etc. to tackle. Scrolling down, seeing them all lined up and ready to be engaged with makes me feel sad, annoyed, unaccomplished. I feel a loss of wisdom that I could be absorbing right now, that could give me answers to questions I’ve been asking lately, or that could lead me to other, more important lines of inquiry. I feel a lack of engagement with the world of writers I so badly want to be a part of. I want to dive into it head first, leave everything else behind. But, more than that, I want to finish rereading the Hunger Games trilogy, I want to get back into reading poetry, I want to write and I want to finish writing the Hunger Games fan fiction I’ve been working on for months (if you think that’s bad, look at the Star Wars fix-it I started back in 2017, picked up again after the utter travesty that was The Rise of Skywalker, and has been sitting patiently in my Ao3 drafts since 2020). I also want to keep applying for jobs I actually think I might enjoy so I can escape from the teeth-grinding monotony of retail. I think you get the picture.

Is mental illness something you can feel in your body? In your mind? Does it simmer like water in a shallow pot? There are days when I feel like a river running dry, stretched thin over protruding stones. I’m acutely aware that I have so many problems that could be solved with a better sleep schedule, a better diet, a workout routine of some kind. Cutting back on my technology usage, going outside more. Things that would make me feel like a healthier person, someone capable and accomplished. I’ve even come to hate that word lately, accomplished. Its casual self-assuredness, how its syllables wrap elegantly around my tongue, gently squeezing. My lazy mouth fills up with spit as I try to articulate it. Its bloody vagueness. Unidentifiable taste.

On March 20, AURORA released the third single for her upcoming album What Happened To The Heart? (forthcoming in June), “Some Type of Skin.” I was working that day from ten to two, but as soon as I had a break I went upstairs to the secluded nursing room, closed the door, turned off the light, and watched the music video. I’d been waiting for this song for weeks, but I had no idea just how crucial its timing would be for me until I heard it.

We’re good people, and we deserve peace. It’s difficult, it seems. My God! It’s a lot!

I feel like I’ve been crawling where everybody runs for the majority of my life. I’ve been slow to rise, slow to realize, slow to grasp certain things it seems like my peers were already fully aware of. I’ve always been soft, so everything that hits me hard hits me everywhere.

A day after this song was released, a friend of mine at work had a breakdown because she too was feeling overwhelmed by circumstances that I will maybe never know about. When I asked her what was wrong, she shrugged and said, “I work at Target,” laughing. I didn’t need to know the details to know exactly what she was talking about, because I felt the same way. Before I went home I got her number and later texted her the song, saying “it made me think of you and I hope you like it and it offers some comfort, like it does for me.”

I’ve always been told that I should build some type of skin. I’ve always let myself merge too much with the world, not really knowing where the world ends and I begin. This song screams the muchness of it. And it’s delicious. Being human is really delicious, even though it’s more than any of us can handle. My god it’s a lot.

- AURORA

This song has become my personal anthem in recent days, a head-banging ode to the feeling of being overwhelmed by everything life has thrown at you. When she screams “My God, it’s a lot!” you can feel it in your veins, like lightning, instantaneous. I play it when I’m frustrated, when I’m exhausted, when I’m angry. I play it when I wish some of my favorite celebrities would come out in support of Palestine, or when a show I really like bungles its finish and ruins seasons of character development (I don’t have a specific example, just know it’s happened way too many times). I play it when I’m thinking too much about things I have no control over, things I wish I could change but can’t. When I’m out walking I scream that chorus with AURORA, directly at traffic because my GOD! It’s A FUCKING LOT!!

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Since I started writing this post I’ve had to take a pause, and a few important things happened in the interim that have shifted my circumstances considerably. First, I took ten days off from work so I could be a juror for the 2024 Scholastic Art and Writing Awards (which ended up not happening at all, but that’s another post). Second, I had scheduled an interview on the first day of my staycation for a position with City Year Denver. Long story short, the interview went very well and, that Thursday, I received an email offering me the position of student success coach. I accepted. And while I won’t go into the elation I felt at getting this news, which I had been hoping and praying for for months, I will say that, after the initial excitement, I started to realize some things about what this opportunity would mean for me. I’ll probably be leaving Target in late June or early July, before training begins. After that, I will most likely have a grace period of a few weeks before the tidal wave of what I’m about to undertake hits me. A tidal wave that I eagerly welcome, one which I know will challenge and enrich me in ways I never have been before. But it’s also going to be a full-time, 10-hours-a-day job where I work as a mentor to dozens of struggling students from underprivileged communities in the Denver School District. My days off will be pre-planned. I’m going to have to wear a uniform (again), this time with an even stricter code than at Target. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t just a little bit daunted. Overwhelmed in a whole new way.

So I wanted to finish writing this post as soon as possible because I genuinely don’t know when I’ll be able to work on it again, especially after my break ends and I go back to that wearying monotony for a few more months. And I forget about it again. Before I know it, basic training starts and I have no time to do anything but worry about what I’ll do when it’s over, and I’m standing in front of a classroom full of kids whose wellbeing I’ll be partially responsible for.

It’s only temporary.

I guess the point of this article is…I have not updated “The Books That Made Me (Part 2)” since February 28. Shit slows you down. You get stuck on other things. And then other things. And then other things. But I guess we all have to build some type of skin, and maybe it’ll help me wade through it all.

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[Postscript]

I’m setting myself a new, simple goal of doing at least one healthy thing every day. This will be a very easy goal to attain because if you think about it human beings already do about a hundred different healthy things every day. We eat, we sleep, we drink water, we clean ourselves, and we interact with the world around us in some way. Even when we don’t consciously take care of ourselves, our bodies perform broadly ten different automatic functions at any given moment, which include metabolism, respiration, and growth. A goal doesn’t have to be huge for it to make a daily positive impact on your life. It just has to be attainable, and contribute somehow to making you feel slightly better about yourself than you did before.